Issue: I want my friends to be grateful for me
When I was writing out a timeline on a specific event in the past, in relation to an old friend of mine, the following desire stood out:
"-->-->-->--> I want him to be grateful to be my friend"
To make the story short, I was leading my friend home on a cold winter night after an evening of heavy drinking and being thrown out of a bar. My friend fell asleep in the snow several times and I had to basically carry him home for several kilometers.
--> I lead C home
-->--> It’s very cold and a long walk home
-->-->--> C sits down several times and I have to wake him up and carry him
-->-->-->--> “he would die if I weren’t here for him tonight” *logical self-manipulation, self-glorification
-->-->-->-->--> “I’m his best friend” *logical self-manipulation, self-glorification
-->-->-->-->-->--> I’m helping him to bed at home
-->- in the morning I let him know that he would be in trouble if it weren’t for me *manipulation
-->--> I want him to feel guilty *desire
-->-->--> I want him to be grateful to be my friend *desire
I realize that I've been acting from the same starting point in several of my past relationships; meaning an energetic starting point of desiring to be glorified, instead of actually supporting my friends as an equal, which has accumulated a bunch of nasty and spiteful back-chat and has transformed potentially great friendships into power games. This particular friendship didn't end very well, not least due to this skewed starting point.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to glorify myself in my relationship with C and manipulate myself by thinking that he would die if it weren’t for me, only to boost my ego and build an image and idea of myself as ”a good friend”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want my friends to experience gratitude towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use people I define as “friends” as self-validation and confirmation of my “high morality” of being “a good friend”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assist/help friends only to be able to define myself as/say that I am “a good friend”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as “a good friend”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel as “a good friend”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as “a bad friend”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling as “a bad friend”.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to manipulate C into experiencing gratefulness towards me by letting him know that he would be in trouble if it weren’t for me, both in order to strengthen our friendship and to have “ammunition” in case a fight broke out where I feel I had to prove my worth as "a friend".
When and as I see myself participating in self-glorifying thoughts in relation to friends – I stop – I breathe – seeing and realizing that I I’m using the friendship to manufacture validation for myself and maintain the character and idea of myself as “good”, “helpful” and “kind-hearted”, which all happens on an internal level, all the while presenting myself as unconditionally supporting him as another self – thus existing within split personality as one internal and one external being. I commit myself to unify myself as one single being and stop all such secretive points and internal conversations – seeing and realizing they only support an idea of myself and nothing substantial/real, limiting my true potential as a trustworthy and responsible human being that honors life.
When I see myself assisting and helping someone I define as “a friend” within the starting point of believing it’s my duty as “a good friend” - I stop – I breathe – seeing and realizing that I’m not unconditionally supporting another as myself, but rather attempting to create/maintain my self-definition as “a good friend” as ego and personality. Then I reassess the situation practically and physically and act according to the principle of do unto another as I wish another do unto me.
When and as I see myself pointing out to someone that I have done them a favor – I stop myself – I breathe – seeing and realizing that I exist within subtle manipulation towards both myself and the other, masking the self-interested manipulation with the “favor” as something “positive”, all the while participating in secretive warfare and energy vampirism, instead of basing the relationship on open and transparent communication – best for all.
When and as I see myself doing something from the starting-point of receiving gratitude, I stop – I breathe – seeing and realizing that the gratitude I expect from someone else externally is what I have been refusing to give to myself in self-neglect –- furthermore I see and realize that I exist within greed and in opposition of do unto another as you would like another do unto you, as I’m placing a condition on support/assistance, which is partly why the world/humanity is in such a dire situation, due to people only making calculative decisions/actions based on the how much positive feelings can be received and how much negative feelings can be avoided. I see and realize that the gratitude I desire within a friendship can only be obtained mutually through equal and transparent cooperation and support. I also see and realize that the gratitude system I've created and maintained within my friendships has been a sort of spiritual system of unpayable debt.
I see and realize that friendship as accepted and allowed by myself and by humanity as a whole is not based on actual and mutual support, but on ego, separation, judgment, comparison, competition and jealousy – thus I commit myself to redefine friendship to instead be a ship on the sea attempting to reach land -- and for the ship to reach land all the beings on the ship have to row the oars of the ship equally on both sides – otherwise the ship will just turn in circles and get nowhere – and with all the venom and all the hidden, spiteful and corrosive back-chat it will soon be a sunken ship. Thus there can exist no separation or disequilibrium in the commitment to reach land as it has to be an equal commitment of 1+1+1+1.