What Makes a Good Father?

in parenting •  3 months ago

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Have you ever wondered what makes a good father? If we were to take a hundred admirable fathers, what traits would they have in common?

Though I am not yet a father myself, I have one that I believe is a good father. Not perfect, because no one is, but a good one. Even though our family went through some very difficult challenges such as the death of our brother and a mother at a young age, we are, nevertheless united. It is mainly through his efforts and his guidance that we manage to make it happen.

A united family that loves each other nearly 50 years of family life is a great testimony of how good the parents are building a family. After some reading, here is what I believe are the essential traits of a good father. Feel free to pitch in the comment section with your thoughts on the matter.

A Benevolent King, Not a Tyrant

A lot of people have an aversion to the father figure because in many cases, the father is a figure of authority. A good father I believe is the one who can both give great counsel and support, as well as calling you out when you are not expressing your full potential.

When I think of this motif, I think of that scene in Lion King where Simba is instructed by Mufasa his father about his dominion, his responsibilities and well as where he is prohibited to go.

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That authority should be an authority based on competence, not force. In the case of Mufasa, his kingdom is running smoothly according to the laws of nature while keeping at bay the more dangerous aspect at the margins.

Rough and Tumble Play

Fathers are the most likely to engage in rough and tumble play with their kids. It has been found that when fathers are absent, kids don't get to play in that way as much as they should.

It has been found that rough and tumble play is the primary way that child and father activate their relationship. The benefits of engaging in that type of activities are:

1- It Makes Kids Smarter

Roughhousing stimulates neuron growth within the cortex and hippocampus regions of the brain, responsible for memory, learning, language, and logic.

2- Builds emotional intelligence

Rough and tumble play helps children develop skills in reading the emotions of others. To know when we've taken things too far or if we should for once let the other one win if we've been winning too much. To admit defeat or victory in a humble way (so that we can play the game again later), etc.

3- Makes kids more likable

Kids who are not played with enough develop anti-social behaviors. Think about it...The key rule of the game of roughhousing is do not hurt your partner...otherwise, the game stops and play time ends.

Playing in that matter helps kids regulate their own emotions and to develop empathy for the person they are playing with.

A Living Example of "The Good Life"

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the way that leads to life, and only a few find it." - Matthew 7:13-14

There are so many ways that life can go sour...all we need to do is to neglect certain parts of our lives and the whole thing to can fall into chaos. There are no single formula that will guarantee that life will go on like a sweet song but there are certain principles that gives you "your best shot" at a meaningful life.

I stress here, I'm not saying a "happy life" because life is freaking though sometimes and in the end, we all die. Being happy is a gift along the way, not a goal. MEANING allows you to go through life whether or not it is happy.

So I would say, a good father is a father who strives for the good and is a living example of someone who wants to live a life full of meaning.

Conclusion

This is not an exhaustive list of course, but you are all welcomed to pitch in and share what you think makes a good father in the comment below. I'm looking forward to read you!

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You have to be good to be a good father

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That's actually quite profound.

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yes. well put! to be a good father you have to be good, to be a good human is to be good. I don't think a father that was good to their child could ever be a bad father :)

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The relationship from the deep is like you would like my profile to keep the friend back

You hit the nail on the head.

Being there is the most important thing for any father to do. Being one who was not, I can see how my relationship with my daughter and some of her development suffered.

It is easy to make other things priorities but, in the end, none of them are worth it. There is no way to make up for the time lost, the inattention because one is distracted by a ball game or the moments not shared because one is "too tired".

Time goes very fast. A infant is suddenly starting school...then dating...then graduating high school. Next thing you know it is off to college or the military or wherever their path takes them.

The only suggestion I have is to cherish the moments and be present...not only physically but truly be present each moment with your child.

First of all I agree with what you have written here, and thank you for doing so. Parenting is the toughest job we get in life, in my estimation. I have two, and one has a very serious illness, everything from worry, to doubt, to struggle with your pride when they disobey, and then your anger as you become frustrated.

It is so difficult to remain calm, confident, and lovingly lead them toward good behaviour. But this is the goal in my view. Like you say "benevolent king", not a tyrant. Yelling NO at your kid doesnt lead to long lasting compliance, because it doesnt foster their respect/love of you. Calmly, confidently, lovingly leading the kid to the end you desire, through the tears and disagreements, can lead to their love and respect for you, which will in itself precipitate the compliance you desire.

Seek compliance first, you will get neither their love, nor their lasting compliance. Seek loving leadership first, and you will get both.

Lastly, your post reminds me of the parenting info that comes from Jordan Peterson, author of: "Maps of Meaning", and "12 Rules for Life".

Based on what you wrote here, you may want to check him out.

Jordan Peterson | A Good Father Helps You to Become Your Best Self

As a father myself I believe that a good father should have all the traits you mentioned above. I agree that there is a balance between authority and support. I tend to think that I am doing a good job of it, as my kid is "scared" of me in that he does worry about whether I would get angry (the authority part), yet I am still his favourite play buddy which makes my wife jealous. This also comes down to a lot of play, just put yourself down and play with them at an equal footing, doing simple silly stuff like pronouncing words wrong or just chase them around or play hide and seek with them, all these would increase the bond between you and your child.

The one thing that I think I need to work on, and something that a father would need, is patience. Sometimes when we want them to succeed, or to become independent, or doing homework etc, we tend to forget that they are just kids, and just need more time to understanding something or to learn something, or even just more time to get from a state of excitement to calmness. We must try to be patience and let them have the time they need.

My family was in a similar situation, with my mum passed away when I was very young. I know my Dad suffered a lot, so I understand what you feel and what a great man your Dad must be. He must be very happy to have a grandchild coming his way!

It likewise makes a decent father if the father fears God.

Because a father is the pioneer of the family unit. What's more, the father is the model to the children.

On the off chance that the father have fear in God, everything positive attitude take after and without a doubt, he will be the good example to his children.

Thanks a lot for sharing this post..
I will wait for your new posts..

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God is the ultimate benevolent King (Mercy and Justice). If one has issues with his father on earth, how could he have a good model to understand the one in heaven...I long wondered how much the father/child relationship impacts one's spiritual life.

Creaing quality time for the kids, not leaving every responsibility on the mum, being available at times when you're needed the most and most importantly, having a listening ear for every talk, chats, gists and reports a child gives be it crappy or not.

Forget about being a “good father” and focus on raising a good child.

“Good fathers” coordinate their children's trajectory with their expectations of them; fathers trying to raise children as best they are able don't bother with what will make them look like good fathers.

Don't ask questions about yourself, the time for those questions has passed; ask questions about your child.

Playing is really good! Thanks for the reminder. When I try rememver what made my father a good one (he passed away a few years ago), the one thing that stands out above all is that he was a man of his word. He was honest and very kind to others. He had the ability to turn the other cheek. Now that I am a young father, I realise what he did for us. Kind of sad that kids often do not appreciate parents until they are older, or when they are gone.

Remembering you are the one shot your kids get at a father.

Remembering your children owe you nothing and you owe them everything.
You chose to bring them into this world.

If they later choose to do for you, that means you've done well - and is a bonus.

Remembering actions speak louder than words.

Remembering what YOUR father did well with you.

Remembering what he did wrong.

Remembering your children see themselves through how you look at them.

And finally, remembering this is the most important thing you'll ever do.

Edit:
One last thing I just remembered that is important to remember:

You'll screw up every once in a while.
Admit it, apologize, forgive yourself, and learn from your mistakes for next time.

A good father should be a role model to the children, he should be loving and he should provide and protect the family

It's not easy to maintain a united family as humans are imperfect and this imperfect nature manifests as haughtiness and strife which puts a serious strain on family ties. It is only a couole skilled in parenting who succeed in keeping their family together for that number of years in the midst of all the imperfection. Bot family is entirely rosy and each member offends other members time without number. Good parents settle these issues and the family continues to be united by the perfect bond of union-love.
This explains why there may be issues in some single parent family but this is not to undermine the efforts of the single parents as I've seen many successful single parent families .

The list is inexhaustible.
For me, I was not really opportuned to know and understand parenting from my father as he died a long time before I got concuousness of my being.
A good father plays with the children. It truly keeps them smarter. He cares and cherishes then all his life.

He also provides for them the kind of things he didn’t get while growing up even though he may have wanted them. This keeps them contempted with what they have.

A father figure most especially is important in training a child mostly in the life of a male child. The child looks up to an examplary life in the father and wishes to be like dad

Greetings @cryptoctopus it's been a while I visited your blog. So good to be here once more.

To me a good Father is one who his children can follow his examples with utmost certainty that they are on the right path. We are not all perfect but as a father you ought to show courage and good behaviour so our kids can follow.

As a man who will be a dad soon I will do the things in your list.Because I think they will be helpful thoughts in your article and I hope I will be succesful in this fragile and most important duty of my life.Because we create and give a shape a person with our behaviors and words and it is very important.

Thank you for this useful sharing and have a nice day

Fathers are kings!

Very helpfull and nice post. Many people will helped by read this post. well done. @cryptoctopus

Well, I think Father's are special and there is nothing I can find that makes them special, because are they always special <3 their love for their kids makes them special, their care for their kids makes them special, their sacrifices for their kids makes them special :)

A good father for me is someone that lets his children feel loved and protected. He should be dependable in times of great need for his children if not supportive and giving on what he can offer which includes emotional support.

I agree with your ideas about a good father definiton. And of you see your father as a good, you are lucky. Because when I consider my fathers behaviour, I cant say he is a good father. He was always rough and cold blooded. It's his nature nothing to do with that. But I strongly believe that a father should be leading you in your life path not authorise you..

A very good post @cryptoctopus, your words can be a very good motivation for all of us in living this life. Speaking of a good father, in my judgment, a father is basically all of them good, because a father is very affectionate to all of their children, and whatever his child wishes, surely all will be obeyed by our father, and he always keep we when we were little until we grow up. But in my opinion, the love of a father is different from the love of a mother to us, because the mother has a gentle attitude.

A happy family is to have affection, and always have time together even for a moment, and always cheerful even though life has many flaws, and always can create a happiness even with the smallest thing. Thanks for sharing, and wish you a wonderful day... :)

I want to give an example from my father. Because he's a perfect father.
he was always a very patient man who knew how to listen. That's why I do not hide anything from him. I explain everything clearly. Because he usually will listen to the end without being upset and will understand me. And he was a man who always knew how to appreciate.
Its self-reliance is higher with this feature!
Father,
It is as important as the mother in forming the personalities.

I like your approach and writing very much. Thank you for sharing. forgive my bad english!

your words can be a decent inspiration for every one of us in carrying on with this life. Talking about a decent father, in my judgment, a father is fundamentally every one of them great,

in light of the fact that a father is exceptionally warm to the greater part of their youngsters, and whatever his kid wishes, clearly all will be obeyed by our dad, and he generally keep we when we were little until the point when we grow up. In any case, as I would see it,

the adoration for a father is not the same as the affection for a mother to us, on the grounds that the mother has a delicate state of mind.

A glad family is to have love, and dependably have time together notwithstanding for a minute, and constantly bright despite the fact that life has numerous imperfections, and dependably can make a satisfaction even with the littlest thing.

A debt of gratitude is in order for sharing, and wish you an awesome day.

A good father should do is part in bringing up his children and just leave it to his wife because children have a way of listening to their fathers more than their mothers and I think it is because of the leadership role of a father.

Thanks for sharing, excellent article. For me, the most important thing to be a good father is to share, to enjoy being a father. There is no greater happiness than seeing your son smiling is something that makes you feel complete. Regards @cryptoctopus

En cuanto a los beneficios del juego creo que hay que añadir el desarrollo de la creatividad. Y con respecto a ser buen padre hay que partir de darle a nuestros hijos El buen Ejemplo, no es solo decirle al niños como debe comportarse, que debe hacer y que no debe hacer; nosotros como padres debemos dar el ejemplo. Creo que no hay mejor educación que da a partir de Nuestro Ejemplo. Gracias por tu post @cryptoctopus

It is difficult to keep up a unified family as people are flawed and this blemished nature shows as haughtiness and strife which puts a genuine strain on family ties. It is just a couole talented in child rearing who prevail with regards to keeping their family together for that number of years amidst all the flaw.

Bot family is totally blushing and every part affronts different individuals time without number. Great guardians settle these issues and the family keeps on being joined by the ideal obligation of association adore.
This clarifies why there might be issues in some single parent family yet this isn't to undermine the endeavors of the single guardians as I've seen numerous fruitful single parent families ...

Keep it up i will wait for your new content..
Just it..

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Wow, i would love to be a great dad, i hope am allowed to bookmark this page, cause i will really need this information later on.

I need to give a case from my dad. Since he's a flawless father.

he was dependably an extremely quiet man who knew how to tune in. That is the reason I don't conceal anything from him. I clarify everything unmistakably.

Since he more often than not will tune in to the end without being disturbed and will comprehend me. Furthermore, he was a man who dependably knew how to appreciate.

Its confidence is higher with this component!
It is as essential as the mother in framing the identities.

I like your approach and composing in particular. Much obliged to you for sharing. pardon my awful english.

I agree with you, and i also think that being a good father is one of the most hardest job in life!

Wow what a really beautiful and interesting post, I really love it.
What Will also make a good father is a strong relationship with his children, like me dad he knows when am not happy or when am happy. We have times to spend with each other.most times we watch football matches together and at the end we talk about it. It creates a great surrounding for us..
You have explained some quality of a good father well. Sorry for the lose, losing a mother at a young age is really hard. All the responsibility goes to the father. Thanks for sharing this wonderful post. Have a great day

In today's world, it is essential to be a good father to a son or daughter. Unfortunately, life does not always favor not only adults but also children. The Pope is the main defender that can protect your child from all the injustices and dangers lurking around. In addition, the parent must give his child an invaluable life experience that will help to overcome obstacles on their own. Who's a good father? First and foremost, the one who will teach the child to live. Learn to distinguish good from bad, right from wrong. Unfortunately, children deprived of fatherly love often turn away from the right path, connecting with a bad company, fond of alcohol and other bad habits. Of course, the presence of a number of good dad does not guarantee a happy fate, but this person will be able to warn and protect his child from mistakes.

gd post have a nice day

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Good blog.
Father is not a father .He is the root of familly.He is the real friend for his sons or daughters.........
Fathers are the more compromising person in the world.............

A billion dollar trust fund.

Emotional blog........

It also makes a good father if the father fears God. :) Because a father is the leader of the household. And, the father is the model to the kids. If the father have fear in God, everything good will follow and for sure, he will be the role model to his kids. :) :)

ood father makes all the difference in a child's life. He's a pillar of strength, support and discipline. His work is endless and, oftentimes, thankless. ... Likewise, a father doesn't reward his children for actions that are expected of them, such as helping with house chores or performing well in school.

@cryptoctopus
As a father you have to first understand your kids psychology, what actually they want, sometimes you have to be friendly, sometimes interesting,sometimes their superhero ! actually if you want to be good then you have to be good at in every character. Now a days many children become frustrated so you have be on their side. All over you have to be careful about their every emotions.In simple word be an octopus to play and be settled with any kind of situation to see your kids happy That's it, here was my opinion : )

A good father loves his children, but he doesn't let them get away with murder. He strongly disapproves of his children's misdeeds, using tough love to prove a point. He does this through the power of his words, not his fists.

What Does a Father Do?
Assertions of the importance of fathers are easy to find in psychiatry and developmental psychology. What's harder to find is just what it is a father is supposed to do. For each man, it seems, it comes down to on-the-job training -- such was the case for me, at least, and I can claim no special experience.
The fact that thoughtful people are unable to spell out fully and exactly what it is to be a good person does not stop them from trying to be good people. It is the same with trying to be a good father. One day at a time a man invents himself. Common sense, intuition, imagination, love, and a certain amount of courage come into play as he attempts to embody the concept of a good father that has existed up till then only as a vision in his mind and that he may or may not make real. Common sense will tell him, for instance, to do no harm to his child even in the name of doing good. Intuition will help him understand the child at a level deeper than language. Imagination will help him see the world as a child sees it. Love will make him pay attention. Courage will help him try to become the father that his child begins to show him is needed, and to face the fact that he will be needed in ways he has never been needed before.
Fatherhood is a constantly changing dynamic, one hour at a time, which in the end calls out everything in him there is to call out. Stretched over decades, it leaves no part of a man untouched. It goes without saying that pain, also, is involved. But that should surprise no one.
Yes, much changed in the 24 years between the birth of my first child and my last. Society shifted and concepts of fatherhood along with it. Economic realities have forced a re-examination of the fatherhood role, and that is a matter of importance. But the human experience, the deep discoveries inherent in fatherhood, the essence of paternity -- these probably have not changed. At bottom the question of roles is secondary. Who lies under the roles is primary. A man doesn't take on the role of father, he becomes a father. He grows into it.
Here is something worth considering. The child is completely dependent on the mother, so much so that it takes years to recognize her as an independent entity. The father, on the other hand, can be the first freely chosen loving friend, the first outsider, as it were, to receive the trust of the innocent child. The good father, then, is the man who can rise to that occasion, and stick with it.

love love and lots of love

Great post! I am about to be a father and find guidance in the Bible, community and want to be a provider for my growing family.

Honesty and totally transparency. Be like Steem & you may be the greatest father in our lifetime.

One of the things that I do with my kids is what I call "Existing." We don't have anything planned and just go with the flow and see where our time takes us. We go outside, meditate, play, explore, hike or whatever muse strikes us. Sometimes it means sitting inside and listening to music or watching a movie, but I am there with them in the moment to teach, listen, learn and guide them in real time. I am the disciplinarian of the family so this helps when corrective action is needed; I build respect based on face time with them that I can use to illicit immediate responses to my corrective words or actions. It is amazing the difference in how I am heeded by them being the "bad guy" versus my wife who is the "good guy." I invest in them so that they invest in me and see me as the strong patriarch architype. I lo e my family with every fiber of my body and I am going to teach them how to be the best people they can be mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I see a lot of kids these days that can't speak properly, conduct themselves properly or know how to react properly to situations. My children will be the exception to this rule. I strive to make them better than myself and give them opportunity I can, and teach them how to be benevolent, fair and informed members of society. Thanks for this amazing post @cryptoctopus, it really got me thinking!

Father is very sympathetic, and if the hero of a romance was good or to be pitied, his eyes would fill with tears until he could not see.Thirteen, 13 children, and I love - I love them all. And I think I've been a good father to all of them.Fathering makes a man, whatever his standing in the eyes of the world, feel strong and good and important, just as he makes his child feel loved and valued.As a father, I believe that involving children in sports at a young age is generally, a wise proposition. I believe that healthy competition is... well... healthy; that sporting events foster a spirit of teamwork that far surpasses the events themselves; and that active participation keeps children moving and is good for their self-esteem.

Great post my man!

MEANING allows you to go through life whether or not it is happy.

This is spot on. I see so many (including myself at times) getting lost in this pursuit of happiness. Happiness is great. But it cannot be the necessary driving force.

One thing that is interesting about this question to me is to step back one level and ask "what makes a good parent?" or even "what makes a good mother?" Do we notice any thing shift inside of us when we change the question? If so, what and why?

Obviously you're going to be a father, not a mother, so it is perfectly appropriate to ask the question like you did. But looking at it from another perspective can help reveal to us if we have adopted these ideas of gender roles in raising kids. And if we have, are we okay with that? So often moms takes on the nurturing role, while dads are there to bring order and adventure. While it is fine and probably inevitable for two parents to have different strengths, I personally am not comfortable with the wholesale abandonment of certain parental traits that mainstream fatherhood has adopted.

And I think it is pretty clear that you are intentionally seeking to live out something that is not often seen in the mainstream. So cheers to you!

I would also add emotional and comfortable with grey. I don't mean emotionally unstable, I mean in tune with and openly expressing the full range of emotions that humans feel. And being comfortable with grey is coming to a place where we are able to have our beliefs and ideas, but also hold them in a way that allows us to still here alternative perspectives. One of the reasons I think growing up is hard is that so many of the things that we held tightly as kids start to get challenged by what we experience as teens and young adults. I realize that being open to change does open us up to discarding ideas and beliefs that we should have held onto, but it also means we can easily go back to those.

I've really enjoyed your posts about becoming a father. Keep up the good work!

At risk of repeating what others have said, I do think it's a matter of thinking about your partner's needs, and your child's needs, and filling in where you see gaps.

I've found a lot of good in formulas and lists and so forth, but they're also far too broad to capture the range of human experience. Thinking about what given formulas have to offer, but not allowing your experience and method of parenting to become simplistic is important.

Wonderful post. Fathers and potential fathers should read it. Personally, I associate with good father someone who is there when there is no one else there for you.

Upvoted, followed and resteemed

I do not have a father but the little that my father enjoyed was good he died when I was 7 years old I have very good memories of him, my grandfather stayed in his place but it is not the same although he has been a great father

I'll tell you, good fathers are like my favorite thing. There are so many good dads around these days! Fatherhood has changed so much in the last twenty years.

My father and I don't have a relationship. It has been very strained for 17 years. The older I got, the more I started to really ache for a father figure. I'm now very blessed to have several older men who aren't necessarily a father figure, but they look out for me.They lift me up. And they make me feel safe in the world. When I want to feel good, I focus on how good it feels to have this sort of protected and watched out for feeling. I can't get enough of men who embody that sacred masculinity. Masculinity has been so skewed in our culture. A man who's able to be in that strong, active, protective energy and also understands himself, is an advanced human, and is in touch with his emotions is a rare thing. But they're growing in numbers!

Lionking really depicts a good father vs son setting..but rough housing..well I can't say does it truly work?

I'm sure you'll be a great father @cryptoctopus! I can see that reflected in your writing :) You must be sooo eager, just a couple weeks away, maybe less or more, but still. Good luck and remember to not be too hard on yourself. Becoming a father has a steep learning curve, but will be extremely rewarding with all the love you shall receive in return!

I think the most important thing to be a good father is the love you have for your children. with love, you can teach them everything and help them build.

C’est un excellent article.
Je pense que le plus important c’est de l’amour et du temps à donner à son enfant.
Je trouve magnifique quand un papa souhaite partager et faire découvrir à son enfant ses passions.

Once again you have spoken so well.
As a matter of fact, I found this article to be fascinating, mind blowing, and must of all challenging and educative when you said

Roughhousing stimulates neuron growth within the cortex and hippocampus regions of the brain, responsible for memory, learning, language, and logic.

very well explained

My father passed when I was quite young and this article pretty much summed up a lot of the things that I didn't receive as a child especially the "Rough and Tumble"section, I found some of these qualities later in life through ju jitsu and if I ever have a child I might pull this article up again to remind me of some important key points, Thank you :D